December 22, 2014

What to do if Your Spouse doesn’t Want a Gun in the Home?

I don’t usually post things that could be seen as controversial.  Today might be a little different.  It is not my goal to offend anyone, and I apologize if I do. I realize that either sex could be opposed to a gun in the home, but the vast majorities, in my experience, are women.  The advice I am going to give today is from the perspective of a man.  Ladies, if you’re in favor of a firearm in the home and your husband is not, most of what I have to say applies to you as well.

 

Why Are They Opposed?

The first step is to find out why they are opposed.  In my experience most objections to firearms from are either based on a lack of understanding about firearms, or are an emotional response.  Don’t poke fun at their opposition, or minimize their concern.

If it is a lack of understanding, one thing you could do is see if they would be willing to get some training.  One thing I have learned (yes the hard way) is that spouses don’t always take direction from one another.  Find an experienced firearms instructor and, if possible, a female instructor.  You could also attend a First Shots class together.  First Shots is an introductory class on basic handgun safety and operation.

If their response is emotional in nature, find out why they feel the way they do.  If your spouse is generally an open minded person, you may be able to show them facts that back up your support of firearms.  It is my experience that when anyone bases their argument on an emotional response, you’ll have a hard time getting them to see differently.

 

What To do if They Won’t Budge.

Let’s say you’ve discussed the issue and tried to get them to see your point of view, but they still won’t relent.  What should you do?  I believe that men and woman are generally equals in a marriage.  When it comes to the safety and security of the family, that role generally falls to the man.

If you feel that a firearm is the best way to protect your family against a multitude of possibilities, purchase one.  Explain to your spouse that you have heard their point of view, but that you feel it is your duty to keep your family safe, and to do that you feel you need to be on level playing ground with the criminal element.

Assure them that you will be safe, you will get training, a gun safe, keep the firearm stored safely.  Do not rub their nose in it, do not flaunt it.  You should also be prepared to spend some time in the dog house.  I am blessed to have a wife who thinks much like I do, but if she was opposed to guns, I would reassure her, purchase the gun and think it worth being in the doghouse it to feel like I did everything I could do to protect my family.

 

Closing Thoughts

I wrote last week that Security is a Woman’s Responsibility Too and I stand by that, but let me clarify.  I think, in this one area, it is the man’s primary duty to protect the home.  Ladies, if you have a husband who is anti-gun or can’t fulfill his duty to protect the home, I believe that the duty now falls on you.

 

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Comments

  1. I agree whole heartily with everything you said! And I for one, am sick of political correctness…God made man, and woman, and there IS a difference between the two. Kind of you to apologize before hand, but I sure don’t think it’s necessary. As Christians we should “get over it”. When my husband first brought a gun into the house, I had a fit! And he WAS in the dog house….for a night or two. Until I realized I actually felt safer knowing he had it, it was well “hidden” from kids/grand kids, which was my biggest worry at the time. It was just a shotgun, ( I say “just” a shotgun, but I have learned with intruders in our neighbors backyard, about to come over the fence to our house….4:00 in the morning, three of them, ski masks, obviously up to no good…..”just” cocking the shotgun dispersed all three VERY quickly.) No shots fired, police showed up about 21 minutes later, to find nothing. I was so proud of my husband “protecting” me! That was when I decided I wanted a hand gun, and bought a 9mm Baretta. It terrified me at first, but bought and paid for lessons for myself and our son right off the bat. Once you understand and learn all about safety, they bring a reassuring peace of mind. And I must say I am quite the markswoman! (spelling?) Anyway, love your article, love being a woman, and don’t mind the difference, love my husband for protecting and teaching me! And yeah….all you men, the proverbial dog house isn’t that bad, is it? Go for the gun! ESPECIALLY now, with all the gun “ban” talk going on!
    Thanks again Chris, and Trudy, for sharing his time with us!

    • Chris Ray says:

      I to am sick of political correctness, I think it has done infinitely more harm that good. I’m glad those three thugs took off, that is one thing about shot guns, their language is universal.

      • Hi Chris, I’m new here, just found your site today, will read the e-book (thanks!) and I too agree: political correctness does more harm than good. I’m all for respect, decency, honesty, honor, consideration, and sensitivity to all. But I’m TIRED of this PC nonsense.

        God bless you, God bless your family, God bless your prepping. He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world and we can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth us.

    • I just read all your comments and I’m still not convinced
      my husband just got his gun permit ,we been arguing for hours I don’t feel safe around guns,I’m such a scary chicken,we really have a problem I mean a big problem I’m at the point of “its me or the gun”
      I just don’t feel safe around guns I don’t care who u trying to protect.
      besides we don’t have any enemies why do we need a gun…
      am I wrong?
      I really need help my marriage is at stake

      I’m a strong believer,I believe in God whatever he planned for me will happen to me so I see the need to have a gun in the house…
      sooooooo confused I swear…

      • Chris Ray says:

        Thanks you for your comment. What is it about guns that makes you afraid?
        You said you don’t have enemies, to this I would say the majority of home invasions or armed robbery are committed by strangers. They are not committed by people who know you well enough to be considered an enemy.

        I disagree that what ever happens was God’s will. For that to be true everyone would need to follow His well. He hates sin, any crime committed that is bad enough to warrant the use of a gun in defense is a sin, rape, murder and so on. Therefor the committers of those crimes are going against God’s will, acting in self-defense to stop them is neither a crime, nor sin.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I, for one, am opposed to anyone who is opposed to guns. I’m very selective regarding invitations into my home; if I thought someone were opposed to my choices (including guns), they’d would never be invited in to my home. Simple enough.

    In fact, my whole family is a gun family; the most fun we have is a day at the range!

    • Chris Ray says:

      family range days are a blast for sure.

    • so anyone who doesn’t agree with you is not welcome in your life? wow ! talk about a shallow world !!! I also agree with the comments above you though, feel sad for your bias against others….

  3. Of course you can’t think of everything or else marriage would be forever without any disputes, but maybe the topic of guns should be discussed before getting married. I’ve always had guns in the house and they’re always loaded and ready to go. The only time I put them up is when company’s coming and I don’t want people feeling uncomfortable. If you’ve ever seen the TV show Psych, I guess I’m kind of like Lassie. There could be one in the fruit bowl, toaster oven, under a couch cushion, etc. I figure, the more the merrier. You just never know when one might come in handy. They’re like any other tool. If you don’t know how to use them, you could kill yourself or someone else. I’d rather defend myself with a gun than a pair of scissors like Napolitano suggests.

    • Chris Ray says:

      Paul I think you’re right, but in some cases people don’t “wake up” until after they’re married. I wasn’t anti-gun by any means, I just didn’t own any, when I started prepping I decided I needed to change that. Luckily Trudee was filly on board.

  4. If a wife is not submissive to the husband who biblically is the spiritual leader of the house, the priest of his household, then guns may not be the biggest issue here. The roles have been twisted… Many women feel they should control the conversation, take the lead in decision making, raise the kids, and be the spiritual leaders in the home. Many men submit to being dominated, over shadowed, minimalized, and have neglected thier biblical demand of being the priest and spiritual leader of the house. Both spouses are to blame.

  5. I’m not opposed to political correctness, but I don’t just see it as a male-female dynamic. I also want to know if there are kids involved. If we decide it’s the man’s job to have the gun and defend the castle, what happens when the man is out chopping wood or earning the paycheck?

    What happens when the man is the spouse who doesn’t want the gun in the house? According to the Bible, she doesn’t get a gun. There are very few women who can go toe-to-toe with an intruder (typically male). We need equalizers. It’s one thing to say the PC world is destroying the family and community. I come from an old school, intact, nuclear family. We (gasp) played games together and ate dinner together. We (gasp) still do.

    My mother is a “stick” woman. But she was also the M-60 gunner for her MP company on the S.K. DMZ. She is a Christian. And she raised us to protect ourselves and our children, so that we never have to face an attacker with a cast iron skillet and a prayer. It can be done. It has been done. But it also fails.

    Spousal approval or not, I will always be ready to protect the children and the weaker people around me. If I one day answer to God about that and my Marine Corps service, than it is a sacrifice I will have made with open eyes about the varying fates and very willingly.

    • Chris Ray says:

      Hello Rebecca,

      I’m guessing you’re new to the site, welcome. First let me thank you and your mother for your service.

      I think you’re overlooking what I said in the closing comment’s:

      “I wrote last week that Security is a Woman’s Responsibility Too and I stand by that, but let me clarify. I think, in this one area, it is the man’s primary duty to protect the home. Ladies, if you have a husband who is anti-gun or can’t fulfill his duty to protect the home, I believe that the duty now falls on you.”

      In the article I mentions called “Security is a Woman’s Responsibility”, I clearly spell that woman need to be able to protect themselves. Women do need equalizers, that’s why I have advocated in several posts that women should get their CCW, carry pepper spray and take real world martial arts class.

      http://preparedchristian.net/security-is-a-womans-responsibility-too/

      • I read it. I read your site regularly; one of your website links actually led me to two forums I now use as well. I routinely point you out as professional backup in a whole different rule of threes. I like your blogs and referrals because they are both practical and balanced. I just haven’t been annoyed enough to reply to other posts before. My ISP may be new – I usually follow you from other locations.

        I’m referring more to the submissive role and some of the other comments, and more a “let’s think” than an honest question. I’ll make my own choices and deal with the consequences, so maybe I’m part of the problem your other readers see. I can really burn bridges: I have more RW tactical experience than my spouse, shoot better than him with most of our firearms, and have more RW experience in perimeter and more CQB than all but one of the cops and vets I also prep and train with, so when it comes to those, because training can’t replace experience, I am the go-to and until someone with more shows up, I will stay the go-to. My situation is unique, but not singular. My spouse was a tech guy and didn’t find himself in the deployment situations I did. As a combat correspondent, I chose to build on it by covering and training with military first responders. He was stuck with a radio and computer. Because I’m better at it in training and whiteboard, the loose group defers to me and I lean on the guys for areas I don’t feel comfortable with – round hole, round peg. You have a lot of round-round solutions on your site and referred to with your site; I don’t think you’re the problem. I think you’re part of the solution, enough so that I’ve got a request in the works to link to your site from a new one designed for Christian women.

        The question came up, though, because of other thoughts expressed. Nobody likes the world we live in, but it’s what we deal with. If the husband doesn’t support in-depth preparing, according to a lot of the thought expressed here, she’s now caught between following Biblical law and secretly or blatantly dishonoring her husband by squirreling away some of the money she makes to try and prepare her family. I specify “in-depth” because if he’s unwilling to at least prepare for a natural disaster, power outage, and even a short-term job loss, he’s failing his duties to his family pretty miserably.

  6. rev. dave says:

    One should probably find out about this BEFORE marriage. Playing ’20 questions’ with a prospect is not only fair, it’s a good way to not waste your or your date’s time. For me at least, gun attitudes, hunting, eating game, fishing, gardening and canning would be on that list. Could I love someone who said ‘no way’ to all of them? Sure. But would I marry someone who said ‘no’ to ANY of them? No way.

    If you’re already married and have changed your thinking to include guns in your life – you better have an honest conversation quickly. Preferable before buying anything – a terrorized spouse is an unreasonable spouse or maybe one on the way out of your life. You want to have your gun anticipated with something less than terror when it arrives.

  7. PrepperDaddy says:

    Divorce. Get two really nice German Sheps and let them sleep all over the furniture.

    Kidding….kind of….

  8. Chris Ray,

    This is a bit of a different take, but bear with me as I will make a point about home security and firearms.

    Very recently, a young, newlywed couple of my church shared with the congregation’s leadership that an effort to love a needy person in Christ was done without wisdom and that this lack of wisdom brought about some unnecessary stress, worry, and feelings of vulnerability.

    Basically, this young couple befriended (the husband first; the wife simply followed his lead, as the husband had initiated the “outreach” first before they even dated last year) a homeless man. The homeless man little by little began to attend our church services. He did nothing harmful to anybody, but as a very tall man of a different race he stood out in our church. The homeless man even began to attend the weekly cell group led and hosted by the young couple.

    The couple has now informed the pastoral leadership and the other young adults, including me, who are in charge of cell groups. In a nutshell, the homeless man became dependent because the husband and later he and his wife began to give him small, weekly donations of cash. It escalated, and the homeless man began to hound the young husband, even going as far as waiting hours by the lobby of the husband’s office building and coming to the building where the young couple lives. This situation also involved harassing phone calls from people claiming to be the homeless man’s relatives, who lied about him being in jail and needing money. It got to the point that the young couple noticed a threatening, mean-looking man (whose clothing made it clear he wasn’t from the neighborhood) loitering near the front door of their apartment building.

    The couple expressed fear, and have decided to bar the homeless man from coming to the cell group, and have stated they have learned from this experience and that they are ready to contact the police if things escalate. The young husband had to go as far as to change his mobile number.

    In many other cities and towns of the United States, Christian people just like this well-intentioned but naïve couple would have had less fear because as you know, many Christians in the United States follow the 2nd Amendment. This young couple would never even consider owning a firearm (ironic, because the young husband works for a firearms company) – and because they live in a major city up here in the northeastern United States whose state and city laws are amongst the most anti-gun rights laws in America (You can figure out which city this is).

    While the odds of anything bad happening to this couple is low, and while the couple has also concluded the story by saying they told the homeless man to back off, followed by an apology from the homeless man, they experienced a short period of fear, paranoia, and vulnerability not only because they received many harassing phone calls from the homeless man’s relatives (or people claiming to be). The fact they live in a safe neighborhood in this city, in a building with doormen, makes things safer for them. But what if they lived in a less safe area, or in a building with no doorman, or in a small town in a small area and their neighborhood was very deserted at night?

    Things like this remind me that Jesus Christ was spot-on (Jesus was ALWAYS right) when He taught us to be wise as serpents. This couple’s heart was parallel to God’s own merciful heart, but they weren’t wise. And perhaps they and other well-meaning Christians who abhor firearms and won’t have them even for home/family defense should remember another powerful statement made by the Son of God: “When a strong man armed keeps his palace, his goods are in peace.” (Luke 11:21)

    • I think this young couple and many other well meaning questions have a misunderstanding of scripture, and believe that Jesus was a pacifist. I’m glad things worked out all right for them, but I hope they learned something.

  9. What if the reason I don’t want my husband to bring a gun into our home (which he just did yesterday) is because I’m afraid of him and his hair trigger temper (which he always minimizes)? What if he rarely, if ever, considers my opinion on any topic if it disagrees with what he wants? What if he is on all kinds of prescription medications for back pain (he doesn’t work or provide for us – I work full time and do everything else in our home) and he sometimes can’t walk a straight line or drive let alone shoot a gun? And what if every attempt I have ever made to discuss this (or any other topic) is met with derision and contempt and I’m criticized for not “Biblically” submitting to him? Am I still supposed to be ok with a gun that I have no interest in learning how to use but is now going to be loaded and under my roof? Rather than add to any sense of security, it just adds to the ongoing anxiety and stress I live with every day. Any thoughts appreciated.

    • Chris Ray says:

      Sara,

      First let me say that I am sorry you’re in the situation you’re in, it has to be extremely stressful. The following is just my $.02. Of course you should not be okay with the gun being in your home. I don’t mean to tell you what to do in your marriage, but I don’t think it is okay for you living in fear of him and his temper.

      As to your not biblically submitting to him, this is just my opinion but husbands are commanded to loved their wives like Christ loved the church. We’re also told in 1 Timothy that one who doesn’t provide for their family that they are worse than an unbeliever.

      Obviously someone who is on prescription meds that alter mental faculties should not be handling a firearm at any time.

      Like I said, I’m sorry about your situation, I will pray for you.

      Chris

      • Chris,

        Thank you for your response and your prayers. My husband does not work due to several disabling conditIons. I’ve never known how to interpret 1 Timothy in light of disabilities. But I know we’d be homeless if I wasn’t supporting us so I work rather than live on the street.

        Although he knows he gets dizzy/is affected by the medications he refuses to acknowledge it could affect his judgment. And he also refuses to accept that any past angry outbursts on his part should scare me since he’s never physically harmed me or our daughter. So any fear I have must be my giving in to the enemy and not believing reality (i.e., he has not physically hurt us). Oh and it’s also my being negative and not offering him grace and forgiveness. I admit I have become quite bitter and angry after 20 years.

        At one time he said he believed that he had to first show me the kind of sacrifical love that Christ gives us and then I could submit as we do to Christ. But all that changed somehow and he has said numerous times (when I disagree with him on a decision – like getting a gun) that if I’d just submit like the Bible says we’d not have any problems in our marriage. There is little to no ability for me to reason with him or bring up valid and logical reasons why having a gun is scary for me. I’m just being negative nelly and trying to ruin something he’s wanted his whole life.

        Sorry to be going on. As you can undoubtedly see the gun is just another symptom of our completely dysfunctional relationship. Thanks for your 0.02 cents and letting my share a bit.

        Sara

        • P. S. I’m almost certain that my husband has undiagnosed /untreated adult ADHD.

        • Chris Ray says:

          bringing disability into the equation only slightly changes things. I’m sorry, I don’t have any wisdom to add, but I will bring you up in prayer.

          Chris

  10. I found this article looking for advice on how to push my husband into being okay with me owning a handgun. So I suppose I’m one of those rarer females in favor of a firearm, and my husband is… well, a hippie I guess. Just kidding. But I am screeching mad at him for being so closed minded.

    I know guns backwards and forwards. I grew up with them. Shot guns, bows, handguns – made my own bullets out of old shells, sighted in laser scopes, shot for sport, shot for fun…

    I like to keep a .45 on hand with hollow point bullets for home protection. It’s a second line of defense in extreme emergency, not a first. We have a full security system for that.

    My husband and I have gone around and around on this for years. I’m actually at the point where I am considering building a secret hidden in wall compartment in the closet, getting my new gun anyway, and putting my gun in there. I’m not even going to mention I have it. He’ll feel all happy and safe, and if it ever had to come out, he’d be thanking me in the end.

    I hate to even say it, or think it, but I honestly think that may be the only solution when it comes to this topic. Some people are so gun nuts, some people are irrationally fearful of them. It’s an impossible debate. Is lying in a marriage bad… probably. I think this may be one of those “for the greater good” white lies.

    I don’t know what else to do. It’s very difficult to try and talk this over with a person who doesn’t even know why they don’t like guns. They simply don’t. Absolutely no rational argument from the person. I mean, what do you even do with that?

    • That’s a tough spot, but I have some ideas. I wrote an article called “Security is a Woman’s Responsibility Too” http://preparedchristian.net/security-is-a-womans-responsibility-too/ Where I explain why women need to take an active role in security. In some cases like yours, you must take the active role.

      You hit the nail on the head with him not knowing why he is anti-gun, most people who are don’t really understand why.

      I personally would rather be in the doghouse for a while, than lie to my wife. I’ll recommend to you, what I would recommend to a man in the same tough spot. Tell him you respect his position, but you would feel safer with it at home, and you feeling safer is more important that his dislike of having it in the house. Don’t rub his nose in it. Be discreet if you decide to conceal and carry, or if you go training.

      • Thank you so much. I seriously appreciate your opinion and suggestions. I’ve been feeling so guilty and frustrated about the entire thing.

        I definitely don’t plan on being anything other than discreet if we can’t come to some sort of agreement. I have nothing but extreme respect for my husband, but this is one area I really feel set in my opinion.

        I am still hoping that I can convince him to sign up for some training, teach him how to take the gun apart, put it together, clean it, use it, shoot still targets, moving targets, etc… I’m hoping that will empower him and take the fear out of it for him.

        • you’re welcome. Another approach might be to help him find out why he is afraid of them. You could also get crime stats for your area to help him understand why you want one.

          On the forum one of the guys said he convinced wife to go to the range to practice by offering to go out to dinner afterwards. Bribery works lol.

          I do think that trying to get him on board is a good idea first. If that fails, than I still think be honest and get one anyway.

  11. charles davy says:

    I disagree with a man purchasing a gun if the wife does not want it. Marriage is a compromise. The wife should be thoughtful of the man’s needs and a husband should be thoughtful of the woman’s needs. If a decision can not be reached then its a no go. Though if you have married the right person, you should be able to work together and find a solution.
    Second, my gut reaction to a gun in the house is good. I think it would protect the family.
    However the facts point out that you are more likely to shoot a member of the family than an intruder. So I would never have a gun in my house. The chances are it would end up hurting my family instead of helping it.

    • Well Charles we can agree to disagree.

      “However the facts point out that you are more likely to shoot a member of the family than an intruder.”
      I would like to see where you got this fact from. If there is a gun in the home, all members living there should be familiar with firearm safety. It is when there is a gun at home and parents try to hide that fact, and kids get curious when they find it, that bad things happen.

      I can give you many websites that track guns used by homeowners to defend their families.

      When all is said and done we just need to do as we feel led.

  12. Well i have gotten into shooting love it , my wife on the other hand does want any thing to do with it. The thought of me owning my own gun is more than destering to her it out right makes her mad. Ive been shooting for two years now its time to buy my own pistol….. Not matter what I say her do i’m going to be in the dog house big time. for some time . any ideas . Thank you Jerald

    • Chris Ray says:

      Do you know why she is so set against it? Find that out, and then you might be able to ease her mind. If you decide to buy, make sure you have a good safe, and don’t “rub her nose in it” that you bought it.

  13. I guess I’m one of the few wives that are having trouble getting her husband on board with having a firearm in the house…I grew up with them, handle them, and am very comfortable using them…he on the other hand, not the case. I feel like it’s necessary for the safety of our family, but he can’t get passed all the stats about accidental death, compared crime rates, etc. It really boils down to the fact that HE just doesn’t feel comfortable with a gun nearby, especially after we have children. I’ve explained that I’ll go thru the proper channels of obtaining my ccw and take the safety classes, and get the gun safe, but he’d rather me take a gunless self defense class and call it a day. What can I tell him to make him a believer? Or maybe some good sources for him to find more info on the subject that isn’t purely anti-gun.

    • Chris Ray says:

      Here are two sources that can give you some ammo for your side, pun intended. http://gunssavelives.net/ lists several stories where a firearm was used to stop a crime and is updated very regularly if not daily.

      http://www.cato.org/guns-and-self-defense has some good info. They also provide a map, and while it is a bit outdated, it provides a good “slice of time”.

      Find out why he is uncomfortable, he may say the accidental death but accidental death is near impossible by someone trained and responsible in its use. every accidental death I can think of was caused by a gun left unattended where a minor could find it, people untrained and showing off, and in some instances people under the influence. Of course an accident can happen, but if someone is trained, and acting responsible I believe the chances are very low.

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